Work Load

As we bid adieu to the weekend and prepare to face the grindstone, mrpeenee understands the thought going through all of our heads: Why must work be so deadly dull? Why must we toil in workplaces that engender sympathy with the socialist anarchists of yore? Just once, couldn’t we get on the subway with a sense of expectation rather than dread?

Let me just say, sweetie, when malicious gossip and petty theft are no longer enough to get you to your desk with a smile, I am here for you with ideas to help spark your cubicle-bound existence. Ideas that the nattering naysayers in personnel and legal might term “inappropriate” or “sabotage” or some other pin headed jargon, but that’s why these concepts are best executed without getting caught. Like Secret Santa, but much more amusing.

MRPEENEE”S TIPS FOR OFFICE HIGHLIFE

1. In every office, lurking in some obscure corner, is a bulletin board filled with notices about EEO compliance and Heimlich maneuvers. Find the most salacious pornography review you can, clip it out (neatly!), tack it up on the board, and see how long it takes for anyone to notice. It might be months, or even years, before anyone catches on to the critical insights of Brazilian Butt Bombers 4. This is probably most effective without illustrations such as the one below.

2. You know the prissy know-it-all in accounting who is such a pain for everyone to deal with? I’m sure he would probably appreciate regular mailings that you sign him up for from a variety of gender reassignment centers around the country. Even if he doesn’t, the clerk in the mail room who reads everything that comes in and is a more reliable conduit of information than the Huffington Post certainly will.

3. Have a long, dull meeting ahead of you? Sneak into the conference room early and plant a lacy underpanty thong casually, but prominently on the corner of the table. As you sneak back out, get ready for a presentation on quarterly projections not to be forgotten anytime soon.

4. Speaking of presentations, when the next ethics training rears its ugly head, try to get to the PowerPoint show Mr. Personality Monotone Lawyer will be using. Delete all the odd numbered slides and, voila, all the same old crap you’ve heard before in half the time!

5. That overly eager intern whose perkiness sets your teeth on edge could probably benefit in more ways than one from date rape drugs regularly slipped into his gingko biloba guarana green tea.

6. There is no office so bitterly divided that it cannot be brought together by a small fire in the file room.